JERRY! JERRY! JERRY!!1!

Never a dull night in Ocean City!

Yeah so after fulfilling my month-long craving for a Philly Cheese Steak and loaded potato skins, we went to The Bar. It is the first bar on the boardwalk, a friendly little place at the very beginning of the boardwalk down at the inlet, usually some decent music and decent prices.

My first move was to order 3 x tequila. And then another round – I was so frivolous to give the bartender free reins on those shots. Downed ‘em movie-style (boomboomboom) and the bartender called me ‘a friggin machine’ hehe.

The night just got better and better.

Earlier that night we had encountered the First Official Zombie Bar Crawl of Ocean City – the first man to toss his attentions upon me was a banged and bloody man who might as well have been a zombie. His nose was swollen and scraped skinless, he had a massive bloody bump on his forhead, he had wounds all down his legs and was eternally grateful to a friends girlfriend for having cleaned him up. Most of his communications involved retelling the story of his ‘fall’ over and over again, and occasionally switching over to profusely thank the young girl for taking care of him. I think he might have hurt his head in a more serious way.

This brought the girl to our company.

For the first time ever, a girl hit on me! First I just thought she was as touchy-feely as the rest of these females I seem to know, but then she asked if I knew some woman who would take her home and fuck her since my friend was spoken for. I wanted to laugh my ass off from pure surprise at such a proposal, but I also didn’t want to hurt her feelings – she did seem somewhat vulnerable in her position. You see, like I mentioned, she was in a relationship with a guy at the bar.

Then the lesbian couple came out from the back room.

It was getting late, and there had been lovers’ altercations between both the lesbian couple and the young nursing woman and her boyfriend. When the young curious bisexual girl realized there was a lesbian couple in the room, she threw herself at them. The alpha lesbian, a self-proclaimed dominatrix, threatened to, and I quote her wording to maintain profundity, “fuck her shit up” if the young girl decided to mess with her sub. That didn’t stop anyone, the sub actually went for the young girl, perhaps behaving poorly on purpose to enrage and encourage her punishment from her dominatrix later that night. In any case, the dom stormed out of the bar and the sub quickly followed.

Disheartened, the young girl sadly threw her affections at everyone in the bar. This was the breaking point of her boyfriend, who seemed to accept her bi-curious ways but for her to show interest in another male, even if it was the cute bartender who was good with everyone, was enough to send him storming out as well. It was long past final call in the bar, and the few of us left were hurriedly downing the rest of our drinks.

Suddenly, BOOMBOOMBOOM! It was the boyfriend scorned, returning to the bar and pissed off because the only thing he saw was his girlfriend and my friend take each others hands and head off to the back of the bar – just to go to the bathroom facilities as girls do. Obviously he perceived the situation differently and decided to remedy the situation by trying to kick in the glass door in front of the bar. Either that was some strong-ass glass or he was a weak little thing, but in any case, that door held.

In a split second, the little old lady who had been wiping off the bar turned into a flashing fury, I faultily assumed she was too decrepit to do anything but count up the registers, but now she was a visage of her former glory: She took command of the situation, howled at the bartender out back to call the cops while she called security and then commenced to scold the drunken angry boyfriend like a bothersome neighborchild. He shortly vanished while we rushed the young girl to the wonderful semi-secret escape exit out back. That exit has also been to great advantage to myself and my friends in the many years I have been coming here, though usually used to escape unwanted affections and not reward the unrequited.

As the three of us girls stood out back, in the wild surreal landscape of the motionless, dark Trimper’s Rides, we saw a burly man approaching – after an initial fright we realized he was a security guard (the poor guy’s beat was the pier and amusement park area – he surely must have his work cut out for him!). Apparently he had also already removed the drunken angry boyfriend from the area, sent him walking down and out towards the bus station. The young bi-curious girl had no idea what to do. The boyfriend had left with her purse and phone, and she had no idea how to get to where she was staying – she only knew it was about 45 minutes away.

So yeah, we had to seek out the violent and angry boyfriend. Couldn’t have thought of a dumber idea if I wanted to.

While the security guard kept an eye on my friend and the girl, I took a quick stroll down the block and rounded the bus station. Sure enough, there he was in the back of a waiting bus, frowning and looking most of all like a petulant child. His head turned and recognition flashed in his eyes as he stared me down with a scowl. I shrugged nonchalantly as I walked past the bus by myself, and for a short second it seemed as though he thought I was in a like situation, my friend having been ‘hijacked’ by his woman and that I might also be depressed.

I strolled out of his sight and returned to the small host of people I had left, reporting my findings, and we left the security guard to do his thing while we walked to the bus. Before you even saw him standing, the boyfriend was already outside the bus shaking the girl, then throwing her shit at him and screaming that he was over her broke ass as he stormed back to the back seat of the bus.

So naturally, we followed him right onto the bus. Where we also found the aforementioned lesbian couple!

It was at this point I started chanting “JERRY! JERRY!”. I felt so sorry for that poor little black kid in the back of the bus; he had no idea what he was getting in to. My friend brought out the big guns, using all her charms to convince the bus driver to let us on for free, quoting “We don’t want to go anywhere, we just want to watch this Jerry-bus!” and the elderly bearded bus driver nodded and grinned in understanding. Free ride, as long as we promised to get off again soon.

On the bus were only patrons from The Bar to begin with. None of us were sober, most of us were angry for some reason, and I was only along for the ride.

As the bus started to work its way northwards on the isle, the now ex-boyfriend crawled into a fetal position on the back seat of the bus, while his e-girlfriend was chittering with my friend in that best-drunken-buddy way that only occurs after a certain amount of alcohol, the lesbians were trying to get my friends facebook out of me.

It must have been a scene to behold!

And then the newlyweds got on the bus.

A bride, in a wedding dress and veil, her groom in a suit, had no idea either. My friend welcomed them loudly to the Jerry-bus, saying “Welcome to the world of real love!”. The bride looked confused, but would soon recognize the scenes playing out in front of her.

As the bus proceeded to fill up with others, the quantity of sheer humanity cut off any interactions between those of us coming from The Bar. In some ways a beautiful metaphor – people from a common destination letting the world coming between them and such. It was bizarrely anticlimactic.

At some or other point my friend realized we would have to get off the bus. The drama had cooled in the packed bus, aided by the presence of a female cop. Eventually we said goodbye and good luck to the girl, hoping that she and him would work things out we crawled off the bus up by 40^th street, meaning we were about 45 blocks from home. I ended up pissing myself in a random parking lot up north, old acquaintances were rekindled and my friend learned a new word, but that is a tale for another day.